Lovely Quote

"How Old Love Becomes New"
June 2006

There’s nothing like it…. racing heartbeat, sweaty palms and the “butterflies.” I don’t know where the term “butterflies in your stomach” came from, because when it happens, it’s more like a swarm of killer bees flying around in there! I know you all know what I am talking about. Love – and that insane rush it gives us, that frenetic, frenzied, intoxicating emotion that throws you for such a loop. We’ve all been afraid of it at one time or another or even wondered to ourselves, “Can I love,” or when we’ve been hurt, “Can I or will I ever love again?” Of course, you can. It’s a natural emotion. But the real question you have to ask yourself is this: can you love freely with no armor around your heart? Can you love like it was your first love again and again? You know that feeling – the shortness of breath, the jittery-jelly-bean tummy, the angelic, forever smile-on-your-lips like Ms. Lisa, as in Mona? Those giddy, just-gotta-be-alive moments in life when you’ve found that special someone that just takes your breath away and occupies your every waking moment? It’s similar to that feeling you get Christmas morning, when you get up early and run to the tree, ‘cause you know Santa Claus has been there (or so you hope). That pregnant pause, where you know something exciting is about to happen and you just gotta take that next step for it to come to fruition. You’re sitting on that roller coaster, you’ve just strapped yourself in and it’s starting to take off. Right before you jump out of a plane… or you’re about to catch a wave… or about to fly around the pole at S Factor. They all cause similar feelings, they’re all examples of adrenaline at its purest, but nothing else truly compares to the feeling of new love.

I’m not only speaking of new love in literal terms – as love that has just started or is less than a year old – but I also speak of long-term relationships that still have that new love feeling, that same obsessive yearning. We know how new love makes us skittery and crazy, but how do you make a love that you’ve had for a long time still feel exciting and new? Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship knows that it takes work, or sometimes the absence of it (as in your careers), to hold on to or reclaim those original feelings of thrilling, blissful, new love.

I took my man to Vegas last week for his birthday. We’ve been together 16… oh my God… years and, to be frank with you, this last year has not been so great for us. Rocky roads with constant interruptions from our careers, our lives, our family responsibilities and, not to mention, remodeling a home. But I believe in great love. I believe in historic love, and I’ve learned that the only way to achieve that profound love is to build it one day at a time. With work, commitment and the right partner, new love, over time, grows into an epic love. But how do you keep it fresh when there are arrows slung and feelings of hurt and pain? How do you hold onto that same passion for each other when life is layering responsibilities, unmet expectations, bad habits, and a million distractions in your way? That’s the million dollar question. However, when epic love is fought for, it is worth every tear, every raging fight, every sad almost-break-up. But how do you drop all the tough times and all the challenging fights to find each other and that pure, intoxicating love again?

So there my man and I are in Vegas, watching the craziness of America walk on down the Vegas strip. Inside the casinos, there were slot machines and craps tables and blackjack tables and the new American craze of Texas Hold ’em, and there was Richard and I, just watching. Neither of us wanted to gamble, we didn’t want to go to any fancy clubs, we didn’t want to see any fancy people. We were exhausted after a tough year and just wanted to reconnect. We spent almost the entire 30 hours in our hotel room in bed. We played a game that we used to play during our “new-love-I-can’t-get-enough-of-you” phase, which was gazing into each others eyes in silence for about 20 minutes straight. Moment by moment, as you look into each other’s eyes, those layers of defense, those old musty feelings of neglect and the armor of anger just began to slough off. It was like stripping away old layers of paint that had built up and were getting in the way of the real thing. (Did I mention we just finished a major remodel on our house?) After the first 20 minutes we took a break, walked around the room, jumped into the shower, made love and then we started again with the eye-staring thing. Each time it was like an electrical current that got stronger and stronger, to the point that your entire body starts to tingle, surging from the top of your head to the very tips of your toes. After the third time of doing this look-see thing we started talking non-stop for about four hours. It was cathartic and cleansing and then we stared into each other’s eyes again and there he was. I started to see that guy I fell in love with. The love of new lovers was there under all that crap that accumulates over the years, the fights and kids and disagreements and….well, just life. It was there. The love that first drew us together had never left us. We just needed some time alone together to see it, to remember it, to reclaim it.

Whether you are in a “new” love or an “old” love, or if you are seeking love, there is no greater gift to you and your journey but to try this “love game” of reconnection. If you’re on your first date or your fiftieth, while sitting in a restaurant, take his hands in yours and just look. Look into his eyes, into his heart, into his spirit and breathe. Let his spirit speak to yours. You’ll be able to feel his love as it begins to tingle in your toes, swirl in your belly, shock your heart and elevate your spirit.

The rush of new love is so rich with life and passion that you should never let it go, and you don’t have to. What would life be without it? I would imagine it to be drab, dreary, lifeless. A lifeless life… that is what it would be without love or the search for it. Love your family, your friends, and yourself. Then open up your heart and toss away those layers of defense and embrace pure love. Throw your fears to the wind, let them shrivel and blow away. There is love everywhere… you just have to open your eyes to see it.
-Shiela, wife of Richard Schiff