One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld, which was based on an actual experience "transaction" that co-creator Larry David had with a female friend. David was nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award (Outstanding Writer in a Comedy Series) for this episode, which garnered 22.6 million viewers on May 2, 1991. "This" equals their friendship and "That" equals sexual intercourse. I love this show, but I think this episode is one of my favorites, as it also includes the storyline on George and the male masseuse who makes him question his sexuality...
[All clips property of NBC]
Elaine: You got something on your mind?
Jerry: No. Things pop into your head. You?
Elaine: Things occur to me from time to time.
Jerry: Yeah, me too. Well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely.
Elaine: No, of course not.
Jerry: I mean, it was something we did. Probably about, what? Twenty-five times?
Elaine: Thirty-seven.
Jerry: Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (Points to bedroom)
Elaine: We know the terrain.
Jerry: No big surprises.
Elaine: Nope.
Jerry: What do you think?
Elaine: I don't know. What do you think?
Jerry: Well, it's something to consider.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: I mean, let's say we did.
Elaine: What if.
Jerry: Is that like the end of the world or something?
Elaine: Certainly not.
Jerry: Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
Elaine: It's almost stupid if we didn't.
Jerry: It's moronic.
Elaine: Absurd!
Jerry: Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Elaine: We, there are always a few.
Jerry: I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Elaine: Devastating.
Jerry: Because this is very good. (Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship)
Elaine: And that would be good. (Points to bedroom)
Jerry: That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine: Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.
Jerry: But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Elaine: Huh.
Jerry: For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Elaine: Right.
Jerry: But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Elaine: Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.
Jerry: Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Elaine: All right, sir.
Jerry: Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine: Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
Jerry: Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Elaine: What about the kiss goodnight?
Jerry: Tough one. You're call.
Elaine: It's...
Jerry: Fine. Well.
Elaine: Well.
Jerry: You ready?
Elaine: Ready.
Jerry: So think you can handle this?
Elaine: Definitely. (Runs into bookshelf)
[later on in the episode]
Jerry: ...So how's the job situation goin'?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major.
Jerry: I thought you'd like that.
George: Oh, this is huge!
Jerry: I know.
George: All right, okay. Let's go, details.
Jerry: No, I can't do details.
George: You wha?
Jerry: I can't give details.
George: No details?
Jerry: I'm not in the mood.
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
George: Where are you sitting?
Jerry: On the couch.
George: Next to each other?
Jerry: No, separated.
George: Time?
Jerry: About eleven.
George: Okay, go ahead.
Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.
George: Oh, see? that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. All right, all right. So you're watching the naked station.
Jerry: And then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex.
George: Boy, these are really bad details.
Jerry: It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details.
George: Oh I hate to hear this. That kind of growth really irritates me.
Jerry: Well. I'll tell you though. It was really passionate.
George: Better than before?
Jerry: She must've taken some kind of seminar or something.
George: This is all too much. So what are you feeling? What's going on? Are you like a couple again now?
Jerry: Not exactly.
George: Not exactly. What does that mean?
Jerry: Well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (George laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat)
George: Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done.(He sits back down) Thousands of years people have been trying to have their cake and eat it too. So all of a sudden the two of you are going to come along and do it. Where do you get the ego? No one can do it. It can't be done.
Jerry: I think we've worked out a system.
George: Oh, you know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. You're one of those losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.
Jerry: No, this is very advanced. We've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by advancing all of the relationship pitfalls.
George: Sure, all right. Tell me the rules.
Jerry: Okay. No calls the next day.
George: (To himself) So you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. That's pretty good. (Back to Jerry) Go ahead.
Jerry: You ready for the second one?
George: I have tell you, I'm pretty impressed with the first one.
Jerry: Spending the night. Optional.
George: No, you see? You got greedy.
Jerry: No, that's the rule. It's optional.
George: I know less about women than anyone in the world. But one thing I do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. I could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (Displays with French fry) You're not going anywhere.
Jerry: I think you're wrong.
George: I hope I am.
[even later]
Jerry: You know, we never had one fight before this deal.
Elaine: I know.
Jerry: Never.
Elaine: Ever.
Jerry: We got along beautifully.
Elaine: Like clams.
Jerry: It was wonderful.
Elaine: A pleasure.
Jerry: So I think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends.
Elaine: I can't do it.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I can't do that.
Jerry: You mean it's... (She nods) No this. No that. No this or that. Oh, boy. What do you want?
Elaine: This, that, and the other.
Jerry: Oh, sure. Of course, you're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that, and the other?
Elaine: You.
Jerry: (Starts to correct then realizes) Well...
[near end of episode]
George: Those birthdays. I told you. They're relationship killers. If a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out.
Jerry: I never should have made up those rules.
George: What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity?
Jerry: It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.
George: You know what this means? I can't see her anymore either.
Jerry: Why?
George: It's break up by association. Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present.
Jerry: What did you end up giving her?
George: 91 dollars.
Jerry: Sorry about that.
George: So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: Well, if I call her, there's no joking around anymore. This is pretty much it.
George: So, maybe this should be it.
Jerry: Could be it.
George: She seems like an it.
Jerry: She's as it as you get. Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in Vermont...
George: We'd have to kill him.
Jerry: We'd get caught, I'd get the chair.
George: I'd go to prison as your accomplice. I'd have to wear that really heavy denim. Go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.
Jerry: Plus, you know what else.
George: You better call her.
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