Mr. Big

Have you ever had your own Mr. Big? The guy you always went back to, because no one really could compare at the end of the day? You would put a lot of eggs in one basket and then that guy you were dating at the time would dump the basket on your head, cracking the eggs and spilling their insides all over you. Disappointment. Disgusting. Difficult to clean up. Perhaps in some instances a waste of time. Whether they cheated on you, had an obsession with younger women (gross), or were just in general a creeper, you 'peaced out' as soon as you heard about it.

I have had a Mr. Big. He is that guy who always is treading on the fine line between best friend and friend-with-benefits. Honestly, who is the idiot who said a friendship with a former lover was easy? I cannot even keep count of the times over the years that we have had a physical relationship, and how long we have agreed it isn't the best thing for us, and then when I have a bad relationship, he comes back into my life. It isn't like he is bad for me as an individual. He is just conflicting with my long term goals. He is a Mr. Big. Successful, busy, full of things to do, but still makes time for my company - in whatever context that is. Maybe I do want to get married in 5 years. Have kids in 10. And go to grad school. But he isn't 100% sure of what he wants and from who so if it isn't me, I can't really put pressure on him can I? Even if at multiple times in my life I wish it was.

I had a point in my life where I was completely, head over heels in love with this man. I would have done anything to fit him into my pocket and to make love with him until the sun came up. Maybe you even think about him when you have had a crappy day and you know your boyfriend won't even begin to understand why it sucked... but he would. It is hard. It is sad. But he is still going to be there if you need him. Even if you have... Too much in common, too many friends in common, family members who barely know you but dislike you, and other factors can ruin things. Maybe for you ...maybe you don't get why it doesn't work. And he always has the same stupid, nonchalant response for your eternal why aren't we together?, "because I just can't see myself with you". So you have to let it go. But at the end of the day, if you aren't the kind of person that guy sees himself with, even if you have EVERYTHING in common... it isn't going to work on his end, so why give him all you have? That's where the intensity of friendship comes in. Where you need to make a conscious choice of friendship versus nothing at all. Who is it awkward for? Normally the guy, especially when you look fantastic and he can't have you the way he wants. Boundaries help, but those can be shoved aside if you let your self control fall to the wayside. Self-control definitely helps... just make sure you have it.






Funny thing is, he has only met a handful of my boyfriends. Not all of them. He would rather permanently remain faceless. It's his choice, of course. But I wonder why. He is someone I have actually chosen OVER a boyfriend in a relationship before. But then again, that boyfriend was an idiot, and he didn't get the concept of why a friend/confidant I had known for YEARS out-ranked him. Sorry, but you went to the end of the line in terms of significance. Another ridiculous fact is that I have not one single picture of us together. That isn't to say someone else out there hasn't taken one, but I do not have one, and I am probably the only person who would love to have a copy. I just find it especially saddening when I think at the end of the day all of the people I care about, that I don't have one of him. Seems unheard of and unacceptable.

You don't want to lose your Mr. Big. You can ask him for favors and he will do his best to make your situation better. You can ask his opinion on everything. If you have a fight with a boyfriend, he may be your go-to guy to hear his opinion on the issue. This situation does not mean he will go on your side, he always remains honest and unbiased. When you want to change your hair, he may remind you as to why he likes it long (or short). You hang out and drink and eat together and can shoot insults and compliments to each other without it meaning anything. He is just that ever present force in your life. He may use you for arm candy or for personal shopper duties... but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you any less.

I guess at the end of the day, you just have to check yourself - are you hurting yourself? Are you hurting him (if he has any feelings)?, Are you hurting the person you are seeing by having any kinds of doubts or questions about your character or are you comparing him to your Mr. Big?

Being friends isn't the easiest thing in the world, but as one of my best friends put it, "being friends with him is better than not talking to him at all... in the long run, right?"




Photos property of HBO.