I am still stunned and in shock that one of my favorite blog ladies, Puttin on the G.R.I.T.S. is going through a hard time. Now, I know there are people out there with issues with babies and things like that, but when you are young like we are and just carrying on with a job and getting used to being in a genuine relationship, when one of those things goes away your life's balance goes kaput! I am sending her all the GRITS love I can muster!!!
This is what I told her today:
Oh sug, this breaks my heart! I will tell you, I am SO UNDERSTANDING. I have been through this situation myself - but I am more shocked by your situation than my own. I really don't know what to say, but to just open up your heart and probe it with your thoughts. Maybe you will someday understand this experience if you two do not recover. Then again, maybe you WILL recover. Because you are a beautiful young woman who gave a lot of time and heart to this man who meant everything to you. I can only wish you good and positive thoughts.
I have been through what she is dealing with. It blows my mind, honestly, to think of my life before Michael. While he asked me out a year ago this week to go on our first date, our flirtations had been going on since back around Christmas of 2007. I cannot even begin to think how amazing Michael is, and how much I love him, especially in contrast to A--- before, who I was pretty much settled on, and how I thought I knew what love was in a full way with him. And then things ended ugly there and Michael just took me away into a whole other WORLD of love.
So, I guess in some ways you could say my Ex was my First Love---- but I don't... because even though time was spent, words were exchanged, and love was shared... I don't think about him. In anyway. Good or Bad. At all. I think this entry would be my first in a love while where I am even thinking about him at length other than fleeting thoughts here and there.
There are other guys out there, who I think could fit into "First Love" category - but not A---. I think because it ended so ugly and shockingly and suddenly. We had the long-term, long-distance relationship... but it started off on a seeing each other after work, regular basis kind of thing. It wasn't until I went back to school and moved back to VA that my priorities shifted, and his driving 2 hours to see me 2 weekends a month, him telling me he wanted me to change him, his sad attempt at sweeping me off my feet but coming off more like a stalker, and his even more sad attempt at proposing to me, in utter desperation... are just like something that didn't even really happen. I wouldn't say like a dream... or a nightmare... because even those have memories. And my life has been so full of Michael that the thoughts of A--- are almost nonexistent. He tried, A--- really did, I think, but I just don't believe his heart was in it like he thought. And even though he ASKED me to "change" him, and I tried, the end result was a mess and I should've known better. Instead of just accepting him as he was... I should've known better.
I know that sounds insensitive, but I really mean it in an honest and true way. It really was for the best. A--- literally made me sick when we broke up. I went off the deep end in my attempt to cope with it - I had a fun girls night out the weekend after with people I hadn't seen in ages, drinking at a bar and just singing some Bon Jovi and loving the Baltimore party scene in Federal Hill... and I went to a wedding with a guy friend who will always be That Guy to me - I know we all have one - he is like our Mr. Big in every way (great job, the quintessential gentleman, could take care of us as long as it wasn't something gross, etc) except he could NEVER date us unless he still hadn't found someone by the age of 40 and even then he may hesitate to make it a solid relationship. But I had the ugly too. The not eating enough, the not being a Southern lady and over doing the booze ---- Thanksgiving, 2007 was a disaster on a familial level and then the whole break up happening not long before that REALLY pushed it over the deep end... and those things came at a time when I knew it was over, I was reeling from the sequence of events that occurred, and I flailed about like a fish out of water. I did a lot of uncharacteristic things to really help myself out mentally - the "it isn't really over, IS IT?" denial, the driving 3 hours out of my way just to see him for "one more night", the whole capacity of it [my desperation] really makes me shake my head now. I think my whole thing was, "I am so fantastic, who is stupid enough to screw things up with me? I will give him another opportunity to fix this crap!!" When I should have just moved on.
Which I did.
After a lot of prodding and poking.
I.E.| Everyone in my entire office BUILDING wanted me to go on a date with Michael and move on and take out the trash on my history of A---, and so I finally flirted with him, to let him know I was interested, we talked for a month or so, and he asked me out the first week of February in 2008. And now, we are living together, as we have been since this past summer. My family loves him. My uber-Deep South-traditional Grandmama and Grandpapa like him (enough to take us all out to dinner, which they never did in the 2 years I was with A---! Booyah!!). And now, he is buying me a house to make into a home with him. Plus, we are going to the Banks for Valentine's Day/Federal Holiday weekend, Sanderling here we come!! How can I not love this man? He is everything!! It is such a life-changer. So much has changed in just over a calendar year.
My whole point on my post is this theory: you can think you are done and everything is... "perfect"... but then you can REALLY have things done in a fashion where things are falling into place the way your mind has always thought they should have gone and REALLY be pretty much perfect and that is probably the end result you want.
I had another GF who lost a BF not too long ago either. But in that situation, and she knows this info from me first hand, I always felt like she was just lowering herself to him. He was in this totally different world from her and I felt like she just kept growing and maturing and he was staying, well, in the same place as he had when we were Freshmen in college. Obviously, they could eventually get back together if she believes that is what would ultimately make her happy. But she has so much going on in her life, and so many opportunities falling into her lap, that I am so excited she doesn't have the weight of someone else to worry about when she gets offers to travel the WORLD (literally) for more education in her future line of work! How can a fabulous female say no to that?!?!
So, I guess it depends on who you are with, what kind of life you want, and who you are now, and plan to be, in the future.
They know I love them both and only wish them the best!!!
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